The Secret Life of Chris and Wesker
by weatheredtome
Summary: Delve into the dark and twisted mind of one of this year’s most inspiring writers. Ellocin will take you on the most intense rollercoaster ride of your life as you peer into the lives of two of the most influential men in Raccoon City. Please R
1. What Happens in the RPD Stays in the RPD

**Chapter One: **What Happens In The RPD Stays in the RPD

WARNING!!!!!!! This story contains adult language, sexual themes, violence, and my favorite slash! Slash is male on male entertainment, if this offends or displeases you, then click the back button now. Otherwise, enjoy!

Yay! This is my first parody/comedy ever! I'm so happy my first one is of my favorite zombie games! Oh yeah, before I forget, the bolded quote is Resident Evil: Outbreak. My brother quoted it today and I thought would be a brilliant addition to the story . I did change two words though, "desire" was "Race" and "solitude" was "survival".

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

**It was a typical night at Jack's bar. Some uninvited guests crashed the party. Our desire for solitude was just beginning…**

"You know, guys, when I said 'we're going to the bar'. I didn't mean you saps could follow us." Chris said, casually throwing an arm around Jill, his date.

Jill sighed unenthusiastically "Yeah, well, that's where specifics gets you."

Wesker swallowed a shot of vodka and shouted to them "By the end of the night I'm gonna steak your date!"

Berry slammed his empty beer glass on the bar and motioned for more "I don't know, Wesker, Jill might beat you up for stealing him."

"Shut up, you fag." Wesker spat.

"Heyyyyy, I take offense to that!" Brad stuttered, clumsily wobbling about "Ohhh, man, I think I had toooo much… I'm feelin' kinda TIPSY!!" Brad flashed a brief shit-eating grin and collapsed.

"Aw, poor Brad." Rebecca took his seat "I'm happy I get to sit next to you, Chris, I hope your date doesn't mind."

Jill rolled her eyes "That's about as close as you'll ever get to him, rookie."

Joseph looked around the bar for a moment and noticed a strange-looking man staring and smiling at him. His hair was blond and slicked back, with blue eyes and he wore a red pompous-British-guy-suit. _'He's so creepy. It looks like he's trying to undress me with his eyes._' Joseph averted his eyes and tried desperately to ignore him "Berry, um… do you think maybe we should get Brad out of here?"

Berry cocked an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Um, no reason. I just want to leave." The Vehicles Expert seemed a little more than shaken as he downed the last bit of alcohol.

The Weapons Specialist shook his head and jostled the passed out Brad onto his shoulder.

As they made their leave, Joseph once again glanced at the estranged man, he appeared to be staring at Berry's ass. Joseph knitted his eyebrows in both surprise and horror. He glanced one last time at his co-workers, hoping the scary man doesn't get them tonight.

Kenneth and the rest of the Bravo Team walked passed them at the door "Hey, guys what's up?"

Joseph grabbed his arm and motioned to where the man was sitting "Seriously. Watch out for that guy over there."

"What guy?" Kenneth was on the verge of laughing at his antics.

Joseph turned to him and gasped. He was gone, though he had just turned his head for a moment_ 'Damn, he's one sneaky bastard. At least they're safe now._'

Chris turned around "What the hell? Who invited these sorry ass fucks?"

"Rebecca said you were gonna take it in the ass so we all decided to watch." Kenneth snorted.

Jill rolled her eyes again "Whats with all the gay jokes? God, you guys need to grow up. I'll be back." She slid off her stool and walked to the bathrooms. She banged on the door, no one answered and it was locked from the inside. She glanced in the smoke filled room back around the bar. "Damn it, Rebecca will be in there all night." She moved to the men's bathroom door and lightly tapped at it. She quietly crept inside, knowing that men normally don't lock doors when they're doing their business. Luckily, it was empty. She carefully lined the seat with toilet paper and sat down. She looked to the right and saw, scribbled on the wall "For a good time, call Al." the 'good' had been scratched out and replaced with 'great', it appeared that someone else had written that part. She gasped in disgust, when she remembered that she was in the men's bathroom.

Forest leaned on the bar, "So, you think you're getting any tonight?"

Chris faintly shrugged "Don't think so. It's kinda hard to work my charms with all you retards around."

Forest raised his hands in truce "My bad, we can't help that you're too lame to work around it."

Chris just shook his head and stood to his feet. He met Jill in the middle of the vicinity "Hey, sorry this sucked so bad."

She smiled "It's not your fault. You can just make it up to me later."

"Deal." He leaned in and kissed her.

After a minute she pulled away "I guess I'm going to head home now, okay?"

"Alright, I'll try to stop by before too late."

"Okay, here." She said, sliding her key off the ring "I'll probably be asleep, but I don't mind if you wake me up." She flirtatiously winked.

Chris smiled "Thanks. Good night."

"'Night." She walked with him back to his seat. She picked up her purse and looked at all of her punch-drunken co-workers "I'm gonna call it a night, anyone need a ride home? I mean, I AM the only one here who's sober…"

Forest mischievously grinned, "No, but I would like some-"

Chris punched him in the arm.

"Ow, man! I was just joking! Damn…" he rubbed his injury.

Chris looked back at Jill and took her hand "One last time." He finished his sentence with a short but sensual kiss.

The room was briefly filled with whispers and small voices cheering. After the noise dissipated, Chris looked around and realized that he and Wesker were the only ones left. He moved to the stool next to his captain "That worked beautifully. Like I said; once the word _Jack's _escaped my lips, they'd all follow me like I was the pied piper." He put extra, and somewhat coarse, emphasis on _pied piper_.

Wesker slicked his hair back with his usual super-cartoony narcissistic way "Tonight will be magnificent."

"I really love it when you pull your hair back like that, Wesker… Its soooo sexy 3." He winked.

He repeated his previous action "Aghhhh, Chrrisss!"

Chris groaned slightly, "Say my name again! I have to hear it!"

"Mmmm… Chrrisss…. This is turning me on too much, we should probably go somewhere a little more private."

"What do you have in mind?" he ran his hand over the man's blond hair.

Wesker rubbed Chris' muscular leg, "The… RPD?"

Chris bit his lower lip, leaning closer to Wesker "That sounds exciting…" he glanced down "Good thing too, I've got some major wood developing downstairs."

"Let's take my car, I've got whips and leather in the trunk." He suggested, flirtatiously cocking his eyebrow.

"Oh, god!" he seemed to be offended "Take me NOW, you dirty, FILTHY OLD MAN!" . . . Guess not.

Rebecca exited the bathrooms, the entire place was deserted "What the hell? Did the apocalypse happen when I was gone? I was only in there for a minute. Damn."

"Most everyone left with that hot red-haired chick." Will, the bartender, informed her "Chris and Wesker just left together."

Rebecca pouted, realizing she just barely missed her chance to seize Chris. "Where'd they go?"

"The RPD."

"They're going to work at three in the morning?" she tapped her temple.

"Well, actually-" his sentence was cut short when his cell phone started ringing "Hello? Ohhhhh, Cindy!!! How are you, darling?" he began to shoo the rookie Bravo girl out of the bar.

Rebecca huffed, "Whatever, I'll just go see for myself."

On her way out of the door, she heard Will say "So, Cindy… What are you wearing?"

"Oh, wait…. How do I get to the station from here?" she said aloud, looking up and down the dark, vacant streets.

Okay! That was the end of chapter one! Will Rebecca find out why Chris and Wesker were going to the RPD? What would she do? Or even say? Find out next time, chapter two: Pieces of the Puzzle!


	2. Pieces of the Puzzle

**Chapter Two: **Pieces of the Puzzle

Next morning, the crew was pretty much back to normal. All except for Brad, who had a MASSIVE hangover. Oh, and Joseph, who absolutely would not sit down, claiming he had a sudden case of the liquid-shits. Oh, and last time, I promise… Like Joseph, Rebecca also seemed a little pale.

Wesker sat at his desk filling out paper work as usual. He opened a drawer "Hmm?" he found a note that read;

"Take it, Chris! Take it all! That's right, be a good little bitch!"

The captain gasped _'But how can this be? We were so careful!'_

"What's the matter, Capt.?" Chris glanced over at his superior.

Wesker cleared his throat "Um, Chris, does this suspect look FAMILIAR to you?"

Chris raised his eyebrow "I don't know, you didn't even tell me what case you're working on. And I don't know what the guy looks like."

Wesker rubbed his temples in frustration and shouted "Just get over here!"

Chris was taken aback at the way Wesker was acting. Never the less, he still obeyed his master.

The other S.T.A.R.S. members looked up from their desks, trying to make sense of the sudden commotion.

"I can help you." Berry said, getting ready to leave his chair.

"-No that's unnecessary!" Wesker cleared his throat again, trying to collect his resolve "Berry, um, I think we can handle this just fine."

Suddenly, Rebecca's face turned bright red. Occasionally glancing at the far side of the room to make sure they haven't figured her out.

Wesker handed Chris the letter, the marksman exhibited the same reaction as Wesker.

"Wesker…. What is this?" Chris' eyes were filled with hints of confusion. …But mostly stupidity.

He shook his head "I guess you can HELP me with this later."

Chris raised his eyebrow again, "Yes, sir…"

'_Phew!'_ Rebecca thought to herself and quickly went back to work.

Wesker's phone rang "RPD S.T.A.R.S. office." There was a long pause "We'll be arriving soon." Wesker emerged from his desk "Time to move out. Chris, Jill, Berry," he motioned for them to follow him, "we're heading to the Kendo Gun Shop. The owner, Robert Kendo, has been taken hostage by a maddened customer. We are to save Kendo at any means necessary."

"Sir," Rebecca saluted him "where are my skills of use in this?"

Wesker raised an eyebrow "Err," it seemed like a light bulb turned on in his head "oh, um, rookie… You stay here and finish your report."

"Berry and Jill, you two go around the front. Chris and I will take the back." Wesker cocked his weapon and motioned for them to move out.

"Right!" Jill and Berry ran around the building.

Chris his readied his M92F, and placed a hand on the doorknob.

"Wait, Chris." Wesker placed a hand on his bulging arm "That note that I showed you, someone knows."

Chris froze, his worst fear had come true "What? But we were so care-"

"Yeah, yeah," Wesker hushed him "I already covered that part. We need to find out who it is."

"But how?"

"My first suspicion, is the bartender at Jack's." Wesker slicked his hair back.

Chris huffed "Fuck. That does make sense, he was the only one there last night. Let's go fuck him up."

"No, we need to be sure first-" Wesker was interrupted by his ringing cell phone "What?!"

"_I know your secret." _The fake masculine voice notified.

Wesker's eye twitched slightly "Who is this? And how did you find out?"

"_I can't tell you yet. Not until I get what I want." _The voice told him.

Chris could read on Wesker's face that their very dignity and names were in grave danger "You fucking, little creep, Will! We're going to kill you, you little mother fucker!"

Wesker shook his head, shushing Chris so he could hear the assailant more clearly "What is it that you want?"

The voice was silent for a moment _"I want naughty tapes of you two doing your business. And make it interesting."_

"Never! How do we know you won't just use it to further your control on us?" Wesker was becoming infuriated.

Chris covered his mouth, "Blackmail?"

"_Do you really think you have any other choice?" _

Wesker fell silent, defeat weighing heavily on his pride.

"_That's a good dog… Each night you are to film a new tape and place it behind the dumpster of the local Boutique. The longer you make the tapes, the longer I keep your secret. The deal starts tonight."_ The saboteur ended the call.

Wesker looked down at the phone, devastated "There was a man on the phone by the name of Rebecca Chambers."

"What?" something about that sentence didn't quite make sense to Chris "I don't know anyone named Rebecca Chambers! Especially any men! Oh, Wesker, what are we gonna do?" he fell to his knees in sorrow, unable to contain his worst fear. The truth getting out about their sexual preferences.

Wesker pulled the young man to his feet "Get a hold of yourself, man! We can figure out who's doing this, when we get back, we'll search the criminal and civilian data base for this Rebecca Chambers." Wesker rubbed Chris' chiseled face "Trust me. Like the time you trusted me during our first time together."


	3. Slapstick

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

Chapter 3: Slapstick

The next few days for the two operatives were draining, in every way imaginable. It wasn't just the raw grounding and pounding they performed each night… it was also the straining hours searching for this "Rebecca Chambers". Eventually, they ruled the name as a fake, none of the people in the data base fit the profile of the person on the phone. The transvestites were possibilities but were still ruled out. They couldn't seem to figure it out…

"Wesker, I've got it! The name has to be a code for something… Like BAR, or SHAME, BEER, REAR, CAME… I think these are all clues. I think they all do in fact lead back to Jack's."

"Hmm… good boy, Chris, now let me put the gag back in your mouth." He smacked Chris' rear.

Chris mumbled defiantly after Wesker stuck the gag into his mouth.

Wesker removed it again "What is it this time?"

"I was trying to tell you to hurry it up, I made plans with Jill later today. I promised I take-" Chris' sentence was cut short when Wesker abruptly put it back into his mouth. It infuriated him (and turned him on) when Wesker acted so one-sidedly, he struggled to take the gag back out of his mouth but the handcuffs got the better of him.

"Chris?" Jill touched his arm "Are you alright? You seemed a little uncomfortable."

He was caught off guard by the question, when in fact, he was very uncomfortable on many levels. Most currently; he was in a super-boring-girly boutique with an undeniably hot chick (the latter part being the upside). Recently; he was worried that he didn't properly erase the dialogue-part from his newest sex tape with Wesker. Worried that if the blackmailer saw it, _he_'d go public with their tapes and phone conversations. The whole possibility made his skin crawl. Lastly; even though he just briefly thought about Wesker, he felt a slightly different sensation.

He totally ignored her question "Hey, you know that looks good on you." he pushed her into one of the small changing rooms.

Rebecca ran up on the other side of the door and eavesdropped hearing Jill say; "Oohh, Chris, what's gotten into you?"

She let out an angry huff and yelled as she ran away "Fag!!!"

Jill raised an eyebrow "What was that?"

Chris shrugged "Probably a rabid lemur."

Rebecca stomped down the street, thoroughly pissed off. "Why is everybody fucking Chris but me?!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. She looked at the store she'd stopped in front of, the name of it was Fantasies. The 'F' was removed and replaced with 'PH'.

Rebecca picked up the dinner plate "Why, Chris, you've barely touched your dinner…" she blew out the candles on the table. "I bet you were waiting for desert."

She picked up the inflatable 'date', and carried it to her bedroom. It adorned a sloppily written 'Chris' in thick black letters across the chest area. "Oh, don't worry, I bought some condoms for us!"

She deepened her voice "Oh, Rebecca, you're SOOO much better than Jill."

"Oh that's right, I hope this doesn't ruin things between you." She batted her eyelashes at the doll.

"Nope! This Chris only has one WOMAN." She pretended that 'Chris' replied.

She put her hands on her hips "Now whats that supposed to mean? Are you not gonna dump Wesker?"

"Yes, I am sorry. I must keep letting Wesker pounding me like a mallet to rump roast until you tell us to stop!"

She gasped, "That's it! I CAN have Chris all to myself!" she kissed the blow-up doll "Thanks, PHANTASY CHRIS! I never would've realized this if it wasn't for you!"

"I love you, Rebecca."

"Aw! I love you, too…Chris…." She jumped on the doll, forcing so much weight on it that it deflated. Ironically cock first.

"Hey, Wesker. You think you could go easy on me, I'm still sore fr-" Chris leaned in to kiss him.

"Can it. We were called here." Wesker took a step back.

"Wait, _we_ were called in? By Who?" He tapped his head.

"By me." Rebecca stepped into the room.

The men gave each other an odd glance "Um… Excuse me but…Why do you smell like you've been wrestling with a giant condom?"

She glowered at them, "This is for you."

Wesker opened the letter. It had letters of the alphabet glued into words from magazine and newspaper articles. It read;

"I will return ALL the tapes and PROMISE to leave your good names intact. But on ONE condition; I WANT CHRIS ALL TO MYSELF. JUST ME!!!"

The men both gasped, Chris grabbed onto Wesker "Oh no, Weskey! He wants to rape me! Please don't let him take me away!"

"ARGHHHHH!!!!!" Rebecca screamed "You guys are SOOO STUPID!!!"

She slammed the door behind her.

PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME!!! I know I made Rebecca look super retarded and psycho but please, it was only for the sake of humor!


	4. Is There No Justice in the World?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

**Chapter Four: **Is There No Justice in the World?

Another usual night at Jack's bar; with the exception of Chris and Wesker eying everyone suspiciously. Everyone, of course, except for the real assailant… Throughout the night, Rebecca had made repeated attempts to talk to Chris. Who of course just kept asking who she was. Even as Chris made a scene of kissing Jill's shoulders, Rebecca would make brash remarks about his sexual preferences. . .

"Stupid fucking faggot," Rebecca's mumbling whisper grew to a psychotically ear popping shout "why don't you go let the Capt. PLUG YOUR ASS AGAIN!!"

Enrico, the leader of the BRAVO team, pulled Rebecca by the arm away from prying ears "I thought that wasn't part of the plan?"

"It's not, but this is VERY frustrating! They never know who I am –even when someone told them five minutes ago!" she crossed her arms childishly.

"Wow, they must be smoking the stuff from my area, that shit'll tranquilize an elephant!! But really, Becks," he placed his hand on her shoulder "chill out."

Rebecca punched him in retaliation "They're not smoking MARY-JEW-WANNA, you 'tard, they're just stupid! AND DON'T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT!!! I'M CHILLED ALREADY!!!!!"

"Um. . ." Marvin coughed, "is everything alright, Rebecca?"

The rookie's face turned bright red, she didn't even realize she was drawing so much attention. She looked over at her dream-lover. He never even flinched.

At random, Enrico sniffed the air suspiciously "Why do I smell latex?"

Rebecca's face flushed again,_ 'not this again…', _"Nothing, I don't smell a thing." She laughed nervously.

"No, it's really strong. Like someone got fucked by a horse." He theatrically held his nose.

"Oh!" Jill chimed in, flashing evil little smirks at the rookie "that would be Rebecca. I guess she's been having too much fun with her "PHANTASY DATE"."

Rebecca's eyes widened into a mix of rage and embarrassment "How did YOU know about THAT?!"

She took a sip of her drink "Well…" she briefly leaned her face into Chris's bicep to keep from laughing, "my loser brother said some PERVERT-LOSER from my office came into his store yesterday. 'Bought one of those naked blow-up dolls... He said she kept calling it "Chris"." Jill couldn't hold it back anymore and let out a full-blown burst of laughter. "And one more thing, kid, I'm proud of you for finally realizing that you'll never have the real thing."

"Grrrrr…" she huffed, knowing she had 'just got told'. She calmly, yet obviously pissed off, got some beers from Will and trudged off to the bathrooms.

"Now that the nuisance is gone…" Jill smiled proudly.

"Where were we?" Chris gulped down a shot.

"Chris, seriously, you shouldn't be mixing liquor and beer. It'll make your widdle tummy sick!" she stumbled a little.

Berry put five dollars on the bar "Hey, guys, Jill's FINALLY drunk! Let's get her to take her clothes off!"

"Eww, noO! I'm not as desperate as the rookie!" she hiccupped "Oh, that was rude, wasn't it?"

"Nyah, I don't even know who you're talking about, but I'm sure she wouldn't be mad at you." Chris smiled.

"I was talking about the hiccupping thing." She downed one of Chris' vodka shots "Ooooh, I'm such a bitch!" she shook her head "No, honestly, you know, that brat had it comin' anyway." She looked around "Who were we talking about again?"

"Beats me." Everyone shrugged.

After a while, everyone called it a night and two drunken men from the ALPHA team, a BRAVO rookie, and Jack's bar's bartender were all that remained in the unusually quiet bar.

"Rebecca, hun, did you ever bring those mugs back to the bar?" Will asked her, counting his glasses repeatedly.

"Whoops, how many did I walk away with?" she coyly placed a hand over her mouth.

"I think, -I said THINK, about eight." He nodded in concurrence with himself.

She drunkenly skipped off to the bathrooms. She found three of the mugs strewn about the floor, and two in the sink. "Where's the other three?" she looked around, and there were two in the trashcan. She gulped, "Then that means…" she opened the stall, slowly creeping the toilet seat up.

"Like writing letters, Will?" Chris asked suspiciously, eyeing him from across the bar.

"Oh, yes!" he said as he oh-so-conveniently had a letter he was going give to Cindy tucked neatly in his back pocket. "See? I absolutely LOVE this layout, it's so cute! Just cut out letters from a magazine or newspaper and voila!"

Chris and Wesker gave each other a 'got him' look.

"Oh that reminds me! If either of you ever want to learn how to do it, ask Rebecca. I showed it to her a few days ago and now she's better than me!" Will waved to Rebecca, who had finally returned from the restrooms... again.

She smiled proudly_, 'finally, now they have to know it was me!'_ she thought to herself, finally someone will actually notice her!

Wesker and Chris turned around and looked at her.

'_Yay, this is my moment of recognition!_' she smiled.

Chris and Wesker turned back around to face Will, simultaneous asking "Who?"

She huffed and kicked them both. Infuriated, she stomped towards the exit "I'm going home to write fan fiction!"

Sorry for the reallyyy long wait, I went and knocked out a Tekken fic before I continued this one. Plus I got stuck on the transitions for this one.


	5. Requiem for Rookies

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

**Chapter Five: **Requiem for Rookies

July 28, 1998. The ALPHA team leader and the ALPHHA team's marksman stayed late working on a "report". Unbeknownst to them, all hell was about to break loose…

"CHRIIISSSSSSS!!!!!!!" Wesker grunted, "This would be so much easier if we didn't run out of lube earlier today."

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! You're tellin' me- Owwww" Chris inhaled through his teeth, punching the floor to take his mind off 'other' causes of pain.

"Stop your bitching!" Wesker cracked his leather whip across Chris' back.

"Argghh! –Ughh, that felt so good! Do it again –make me bleed!" Chris cried out, readjusting the camera to better the angle.

"Am I going to have to get out the handcuffs again?" Wesker slicked his hair back.

Chris twisted around, "That's not very romantic, Weskey," he leaned up, reaching for Wesker's sunglasses "can't you take off these off…Just this time?"

Wesker retaliated by smacking Chris' hand scornfully. "That's it, I'm getting the 'cuffs."

Chris took on the appearance of a sad puppy as tears threatened to spill over his manly features.

Wesker sighed, reaching down for Chris' shoulder "I'm sorry, Chris."

He childishly shoved his hand away "Liar, you're always so mean to me now. Whatever happened to my sweet and sensual handsome man?"

"I really am sorry." He stroked Chris' head. "I've been under so much stress lately –I swear I never meant to take it out on you, my sexy meat-hole."

Chris threw his arms around Wesker's naked waist "Really??" His eyes were big and innocent "Wes, will you sing me my song? Pwetty pwease??"

"Sure…" he cleared his throat, and sang in a super-high-pitched voice "My name is Weskey, dreskey, beskey, and I wuv my Chwis! Wuv my Chwis! Wuv my Chwis! –My name is Weskey, dreskey, beskey, and I wuv my Chwis! Wuv my Chwis! Wuv my Chwis!"

Chris and Wesker theatrically held hands, simultaneously singing the last part, Wesker threw his sunglasses in the air "And HE wuvs MEEEE!"

They looked into each other's eyes, temporarily paralyzed in the moment. Chris was the first to break free by blinking. "Wesker…"

"Chrisss?" he placed his hands on either side of Chris' face.

"I…" he leaned in slightly.

Wesker closed the distance between them until they were an inch apart, parting his lips slightly "You what?"

"Um," his face flushed as his breathing became uneven "I…lo-"

Wesker's cell phone rang, breaking their moment. Wesker stomped over to it and flipped it open "WHAAATT?!"

"…_Captain Wesker, I'm sorry to be calling you this late," _Brian Irons replied, obviously irritated_ "We have an emergency. Report to the RPD immediately."_

"Uhhhhhh…." Wesker looked around the S.T.A.R.S. office and gulped "Yes, sir. I'll 'round up the rest of my team and we'll arrive ASAP."

_Click_

Wesker closed his phone, not saying a word.

"Who was it?" Chris stood to his feet.

"That was Chief Irons. He wants us to report to him in the RPD now." He took slow controlled breaths. But to no avail, it made his panic all the more evident.

"Oh my goddddd!" Chris flailed his arms, jumping up and down like a little kid.

"Put it together! Look, all we have to do is get dress…" Wesker put his pants on and grabbed his shirt.

Chris didn't even bother putting his socks back on. He sloppily tucked in his shirt and ran for the door.

"Waiiitttt!!!" Wesker snapped, "Okay, we'll open the door and jump out the window across the way."

"Brilliant plan, my super-" he looked Wesker up and down "strong, hot, big…" Chris gripped his groin "Oh fuck," he said in pain "I gave myself wood and I'm not wearing underwear… it's rubbing –ow!"

"Shhh. I'll kiss it later. I need you to shut up, okay?" he pulled the door open and made sure the coast was clear. He yanked Chris into the hall with him and opened the window "Chris, you go first."

"It hurts though!" Chris whined.

Wesker let out a growl of frustration and picked Chris up by his pants, throwing him out the window like yesterday's garbage.

"OwwwwwWeeeeeeeee!" Chris cried when he hit the ground.

Wesker held onto the helicopter's safety handle as he briefed his team. "and that was the last we heard from BRAVO team. Our mission is to get in there, recover the injured and get out. Understood men? Uhhh, and Jill?" Wesker cleared his throat.

"Wesker? Suck my dick." Jill glared; it was too late at night for people to be fucking with her. Really, she cherished beauty rest.

The Captain ignored her "Brad, pull us down."

Chicken Heart lowered the helicopter enough for them to hop out safely.

"I want a search line, and keep it tight." Wesker ordered.

Chris cocked his weapon "Sure."

The others replied with random 'Roger's or 'affirmative's.

Joseph squinted through the fog "Hey, guys! Come here, I found the 'chopper!"

"Oh, my god…" Jill recoiled from the scene.

The others looked inside, there was a severed arm limply dangling from a chair. Chris' eyes bulged "The seats have been torn to shreds!"

"What could've done something like that?" Jill frowned.

"Whatever it was, it looks like the same thing that killed the hiker." Wesker slicked his hair back.

Joseph looked down, there were blood spatters on the ground. He followed them for a few feet and the splatters turned into drag-marks_. 'Whatever got BRAVO team must've dragged them. Only a bear could do all this!'_ Joseph thought to himself "ARGHHHH!!!!!"

Everyone gasped, looking around them. Splitting up slightly.

"Joseph!" Jill called after him. She gasped, he was being devoured by grotesque of almost demonic features. She fired her gun, but it didn't faze them. One of the monsters looked up at her and Jill started to run away as it charged her.

Chris heard the gunshots and turned his head. "I'm comin', guys." He cocked his gun.

He heard the bushes next to him rustle so he stepped back. A creature suddenly jumped out at him, leaving Chris with no time to react.

_BAM! _Wesker shot it "Run to that house!" he ordered them.

They shut the door behind them and did a head count, there were three of them present.

"Berry's not here!" Jill grabbed a hold of the doorknob "We have to find him!"

"Jill! Don't open THAT door!." Wesker leaned his weight against the door.

_BAM, BAM!_

"That's probably him." Chris gulped "Okay, Jill, you stay with Wesker. I'll check it out."

The captain paused, seemingly dazed, totally lost in thought. . .

"_There was a man on the phone by the name of __**Rebecca Chambers**__."_

_She handed us a note worded with magazine cut outs "I will return ALL the tapes and PROMISE to leave your good names intact. But on ONE condition; I WANT CHRIS ALL TO MYSELF. __**JUST ME**__!!!"_

"_ARGHHHHH!!!!!" __**Rebecca**__ screamed "You guys are SOOO STUPID!!!"_

_If either of you ever want to learn how to do it, ask __**Rebecca**__. I showed it to her a few days ago and now she's better than me!" Will waved to __**Rebecca**__._

"Hey, Chris," Wesker called after him. "Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

Wesker slicked his hair back "If you see Rebecca, tell her to watch her head."

How's that for closure? If you didn't understand the reference at the end (the watch your head bit), if you play through the first game 'incorrectly', then Rebecca gets her head cut off. I had some serious help from my little brother, Bruce (A.K.A. my little RE encyclopedia.).

The song that Wesker sang to Chris is actually (and I know this sounds really weird) a song my dad used to jokingly sing to me to make me laugh. Funniest part about it is that my dad is a weight lighter and could probably wrestle an alligator, he looks similar to Stone Cold Steve Austin (stupid wrestler guy. One of my ex boyfriends pointed their resemblance out to me one day).


	6. The Lost Files

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

**Chapter Six: **the Lost Files

This is a collection of, you guessed it, random files that were scattered across Raccoon City. This is definitely one of my favorite chapters, mostly just because I used to love running around the games looking for random stuff to collect.

To MissPumpkinHead; Here it is! Rebecca's chance to shine!

You found **Raccoon City Police Department Report: The Arklay Mountain Incident**

July, 29, 1998

The BRAVO team was sent into the Arklay Mountains to search for the cause of the gruesome murder of a hiker. Chief Brian Irons sent the ALPHA team to rescue BRAVO team after they lost all communication with the station. Currently, six (6) people from the BRAVO team have been reported K.I.A.; Enrico Marini (BRAVO team leader), Forest Speyer, Joseph Frost, Kenneth Sullivan, Rebecca Chambers, and Richard Aiken. One (1) member of ALPHA team is presumed K.I.A.; Albert Wesker (ALPHA team leader). And there are four (4) known surviving members of the ALPHA team; Berry Burton, Brad Vickers, Chris Redfield, and Jill Valentine.

A following report will be filed at a later time.

You found **Torn Page**. It appears to be a journal entry. . .

July 22, 1998

This may be last time I am able to write, I have reason to believe my life is in danger. Ever since Rebecca told me that Captain Wesker and Chris Redfield were banging each other, she's been too careless with keeping the secret. …How dare she call me a "'tard". Every day I pass Wesker, he's scrutinizing me. I think he knows. Eventually, they will find out that she is the culprit and that I was briefly her accomplice in blackmailing them. I wish I never got involved, even though I believe my side is justified, I didn't want Wesker to replace me as his 2nd in command.

How did it ever come to this?

You recognize the handwriting to be from Enrico Marini.

You found **Dirty Roll-Playing Smut**. It appears to be a fan fiction story. You recognize the author;

"Enslaved at Last" by Rebecca Chambers

Both men had been restrained at the wrists and ankles by long chains. They were able to move freely, but could not reach the exit. The room they had been contained in looked to be a young female's room; the walls were a lighter shade of pink and were adorned with various posters. There was a large vanity dresser, the mirror was huge and reflected a queen-sized complete with fuzzy purple comforters and lacy ornamental pillows. In the far-corner of the highly- decorative room, sat a luxurious furry hot-pink chair. It was simply fit for a queen. Upon realizing they had been kidnapped and stripped, both men huddled up together like little girls afraid of ghosts. Just waiting until their kidnapper showed her face. . .

"Chris. . . Wesker. . . How are you boys doing?" a hot, big breasted, brunette woman entered the room. She was dressed in nothing but revealing black lingerie and three-and-a-half-inch stripper heels. She held a tape recorder in her hand, the little red light was flashing.

"Rebecca?!" Both men chimed in simultaneously. Chris pouted slightly, betraying his manly good looks "But why?"

"I know about your nightly 'meetings'." She sat down in her throne, as she called it and cracked an intimidating black whip "And now it's my time to join the fun."

"No! I don't want anyone but my Weskey!" Chris shrilled like a school girl, clinging to Wesker for dear life.

The gorgeous saboteur rose from her chair, long hair swaying elegantly as she approached Chris. She placed a heeled foot on his shoulder, zooming her recorder into his concerned facial features "After I'm done with you, you'll be begging for more."

Chris gulped in fear.

She smirked and reclaimed her spot on her throne "Okay, here's where the fun starts. Since you are now my slaves, I demand that we role-play. Okay, to start-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Wesker interrupted, obviously confused "whats role-play?"

"I was GOING to explain it to you so stop interrupting your master, you dog!" she snapped.

Wesker glared, in any other situation he would not let someone belittle him the way she was. But this time his hands were tied. …Literally.

"Role-playing is when you pick a movie, book, game, or whatever and pretend that you and your partner are the characters. And I want to do the TV show Sailor Moon." She jumped up and hastily handed them some papers.

"What the fuck is Sailor Moon?" Wesker and Chris said simultaneously again, Rebecca was beginning to get annoyed with them.

"You would know if you two would shut up and read the damn scripts!" she cracked the whip "Chris, you're Sailor Moon-"

Chris glared, interrupting "Why do I have to be the girl?!"

"Because you're the one who takes it, therefore you're the bitch."

"Wesker, you're super-sexy tuxedo mask! And I…" flipped her hair away from her shoulders "I am Queen Merrill. -The great and powerful leader of the Nega-Verse!" she laughed manically.

They both stared at her blankly.

"Now," she cleared her throat "Tuxedo mask, I have taken your beloved Sailor Moon captive. How do you plan to persuade me to let her go?"

"Well, babe, if I could rearrange the alphabet..." Wesker's eyebrow raised, snorting slightly "Who writes this kind of shit?"

"Stick to the script! And read it right!" Rebecca spat, cracking the whip once again "–Now, what were you saying, _tuxedo mask_?"

Wesker rolled his eyes, laziness and irritation were evident in his voice "Well, babe, if… I could rearrange the Japanese alphabet, I would put Yu, Shi, and Mi together."

"Mmmmm Tempting. But I think I may need something a bit more…fulfilling." She raised an eyebrow.

"Anything, just give me back my sweet meatball head!" Wesker was on the verge of laughing at the ridiculous script.

"Sailor Moon? Even though this isn't torture for either of you, I want you to give tuxedo mask a blow job." She gently ran the strings from the leather whip across her thighs.

Chris shrugged happily "Okay!"

"And afterwards, I want you both to make love to me!" she ordered.

"Yes, ma'am!" both men said happily.

Rebecca smiled ear to ear; at last, she was the queen. She would forever have rule over her subjects, and they would happily oblige any command she passed.

She watched in fascination as Chris' head bobbed up and down on Wesker's…

You were unable to read anymore of this disgusting trash.

Rebecca sure is a great writer, isn't she? I know I'd buy her book.

Hahaaha, no, but really, it's awesome because obviously the "Dirty Role-Playing Smut" was published so Rebecca really did get the last laugh.

I wrote the bit about the Japanese alphabet because I needed to include Wesker, Chris, and Rebecca. So it made more since that Wesker "said" "I would put YOU, SHE, and ME together. Not the right grammar but whatever, it was easier to work with verses trying to use letters of my alphabet (none of the letters make a HER or SHE sound :o(…)


End file.
